Hey, where are you?
I’m a little upset with you.
Be a lot cooler if you came around.
Would make it a lot easier.
Would be a lot cooler to want nothing more than a little baby.
A baby bred by fever.
Decisions made in a feverish stupor.
Would make it a lot easier to take on an infection of the mind, heart, and soul.
Lost in want.
Decisiveness and a tad of desperation.
Unwavering, feverish, decisiveness.
Unquestioning want.
Would be a lot easier.
What trip that had to be cancelled?
The wedding I did not have?
Those aren’t important.
What things to do still? No no no. Just babies. That’s the best decision. You want this. You want nothing more. The ultimate fullfilment.
A lot of want.
What about time?
Would be a lot easier if I felt finished with that. Ready to share.
What about me?
Where are you?
Fucking fever.
Would be a lot easier.
Would be a lot easier than knowing I will have and yes, do want children. But not in the way others do. Not conceived in blind conviction.
Move earth and the stars for you, child. That I would.
But. You don’t exist yet. You aren’t here yet. It’s just him and I. It’s just me. What about me?
Still waiting for that fever, blame it on the fever.
I have not yet been inflicted. It might not ever. Sickness hasn’t touched me at all yet this year.
Covid and baby fever. I'm unlikely to get either.
What do I want?
Would be a lot easier to have an infliction so pure, so whole, so all consuming, so saturated in my being that there are no other choices. No other options. One track mind. Blinders. Laser sharp wants and desire.
But alas, nope.
Would be a lot easier if you showed your fluffy, selfish, rosy faced, goo-goo, ga-ga, manipulative, twisted, pushy, sick, sick, self.
Would be a lot easier.
And I was decisive. I had plan. Important decisions that had a blueprint of execution. My execution. And now one virus has me wishing for another to come.
I am very healthy.
But I’ll take the fever if I have to.
I keep waiting. I looked a little. Not too much though. Can’t find you.
Would be a lot cooler if you came around.
Would make it a lot easier.